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wMonday, June 26, 2006

Anggun and her two totos - 1

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Anggun and her two totos - 2

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Anggun and her two totos - 3

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*All photos taken by Nani (Anggun's mom)

I reached JB at about 10 pm last Thursday. I went straight ahead to greet Mak. She was crying on the phone. She held my hand. She looked terrible. I've never seen her in this condition before. She has always been a strong person.

I saw Anggun. Naturally she still recognized me. I took her from her father and carried her. Bro asked me to enter Baba's room. I entered the room with Anggun. I looked at his old stuff that he kept in his glass cupboard. Baba still kept some of his old stuff even from the days when I was really young. All these stuff suddenly reminded me of whatever bits and pieces of memory I had of him. I cried. Anggun kept quiet while she was sitting on my lap. She somehow understood what was going on in the house that day. Nani said she understood that Baba had passed away.

"Ask Anggun where her datuk is," said Nani. So I asked. Anggun showed me a sign language that she used to tell me that her datuk is already gone.

I'm glad to hear from Mak that Anggun often played with Baba before he passed away. I don't know if she will ever remember Baba when when she grows up.If she doesn't, I guess it'll be my duty to tell her about him.

Anggun slept rather late that night. She can't sleep when there were so many people around. She was hyperactive. She wanted to be with me all the time. I told Sis to put her to sleep, but it was a daunting task, because I've tried doing that myself. I failed miserably. I can't put her to sleep.

From time to time I felt the loss of not having Baba around. The house is just not the same without him.

I lost two people that I loved this last couple of months. One passed away and another one changed beyond my recognition. It hurt me so much deep inside that these two men remained as mere memories in my heart. I know for sure now that whatever memories I kept of Baba are of good memories, but to be honest, I can't really say the same with the latter.

Maybe one day I shall learn to forgive my ex - the way I had forgave Baba for whatever wrong he had done to me or to Mak. Mak in a way, had accepted and loved Baba for all the shortcomings that he had in him. How I wish I could find someone like Mak to love me for the rest of my life. Because in many ways, I'm like Baba, warts and all.


By the way, I would like to say thank you for all your concern and for all the 'ucapan takziah' I received from all of you, via SMS, e-mails, phone calls and even blog entries. I'm sorry of I can't answer all the SMSes I received. I was too busy trying to cope with my grief.

I know how I often refuse to share my personal problems even with my closest of friends. It's not like I'm shutting them out. That's just the kind of person I am. I only share my most private matter with my significant other or with my family members. So I'm really sorry if you have to hear about my father's demise though my blog or through someone else.

posted by Nizam Zakaria at 1:54 PM |